‘Letting Go’ Shares Power to Make the Impossible Possible

In a recent conversation, a nonprofit CEO told me about a member of her senior team who has terrific potential.  “But,” she said, “this leader ‘knows everything.’  “The ideas have to be hers, and she has to be in control.  I’ve had many conversations with her about this behavior and I don’t know what to do.”  We smiled.  It took us both back to our 20’s, and we shared that we remembered being like that too, once upon a time.  We reminisced that we learned quickly that mindset wasn’t going to serve us.  As my colleague advanced in her career, taking on leadership roles in progressively bigger organizations where she was responsible for bigger teams, ‘there was no way she could manage well without letting go.’  ‘There was no way I could do it’,” she would say. 

In my case, my first steps to developing my leadership happened while I was developing my meeting facilitator skills.  I would put hours into designing the agenda and facilitation plan, nailing down in writing everything I could imagine I wanted to see happen, and then I would drive the meeting to make it happen exactly that way.  Of course it never did; the meetings weren’t very engaging or effective and my stress level would go through the roof.  Fast forward 10 years… when I learned to use agendas and facilitation plans as guides instead of mandates, something changed!  As guides, the agendas were intended to be adjusted based on the needs of the meeting participants – in the moment; it was such a big aha and an incredibly freeing shift in my style!

How Letting Go works…  In a recent Board retreat focused on building consensus for a three year strategic direction, a participant got edgy.  He announced he had to leave the meeting early and couldn’t understand why we weren’t talking about the organization’s mission statement first.  He missed the first retreat a few months earlier, and in designing this meeting, we decided to work on the draft mission statement last. As I listened to connect to his point of view, it occurred to me in that moment, that this Board member was making an important point.  Considering his perspective, I could see where looking at the draft mission statement briefly for context could be helpful to the whole group.  When we came back from a short break we did just that.  The action calmed down the Board member and in a short detour, it made an important connection for everyone in the room.  Later the CEO thanked me for responding to the needs of the group.  We did revisit the new mission statement again at the end, and the meeting concluded with great momentum.

In leadership (and in life) being in control is more a notion than reality.  The minute we think we are in control, focusing on “I” and our own egos in an attempt to exert our power, we put ourselves at risk.  Then stress or even fear comes with the feeling of losing control and creates a “fight” response in our brain, exacerbating our feelings of loss and pushing us further away from our creativity.   Both the pressure to be in control and then to maintain it often produces a recurring pattern that negatively impacts a leaders’ ability to perform at their best and be a positive influence on conversations.  

Judith E. Glaser, in her book Conversational Intelligence, How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results, introduces us to the idea of conversational agility.  In leadership, and in life, this is the ability to use our words to change a conversation in a way that keeps it open and productive.  Judith explains, that one agility tool is reframing.  This, she says, “is a miraculous conversational tool for taking a difficult situation and turning it into an opportunity for finding trust and common ground with someone.”  Here’s how it works.  In the earlier story about the senior team member who needs to “be in control,” in some future conversation where the behavior repeatedly shows up, the CEO might say, “It feels as if being in control is important to you right now, and I imagine there have been many times when you didn’t feel like you were in control and still had a good outcome.  Can you tell me about one of those times?  According to Judith, in reframing, you give the person you are talking with an opportunity to mentally take a break and think in a new way. Reframing can change the context and give new meaning to a situation.

I like to think that conversational agility is the experience in a conversation of being able to let go of your own point of view and - when you do let go - you expand the space for something new and different to come to the surface.  It’s like a baby taking his/her first steps and seeing the world from a whole different point of view. 

“When you let go, you create space for something better.”   
  ― Unknown

Here are three practical ways to experiment with conversational agility.  First, spend more time in your conversations listening and pausing for a few more seconds than might feel natural to you before you respond.  In those few seconds of pause focus on what’s important to the speaker instead of what’s important to you.  Find a way to acknowledge it – even if you don’t completely agree.  What you are acknowledging is the importance of their point of view which is in and of itself is very valuable.  Then offer a different idea in the form of a question or statement for their consideration.  This approach is reflected in the previous reframing example.

Second, let go of the need to know and have all the answers yourself.  We don’t, no one does, and we are much more effective when we live in that truth.  Alternatively, use the moment as an opportunity to invite colleagues or team members into a conversation with you- to co-create a response or action.  Gather ideas from everyone first and look together at those ideas for new ideas from all the contributions.  A few of Judith’s favorite questions to spark co-creating are: 1) what are your instincts telling you about how to handle this? 2) What would you like to know more about? or 3) how do you feel about what’s going on? 

Third, give yourself permission to be vulnerable by sharing that “you don’t have all the answers” or that you feel as if there is a dilemma and need their ideas, or even that you feel worried about how to proceed.  In other words, let go of the idea that ‘not knowing something will negatively impact your credibility.’  In fact, the opposite typically occurs.  I know one CEO who said, “I want to share what’s keeping me up at night and I need your help to solve it.”   That revelation got his team’s attention in a “standing in his shoes” kind of way.  The support alone that was offered, also opened the space for a new level of trust to develop. 

One AHA from my learning with Judith is that letting go of control opens the space for leaders to broaden each other’s thinking rather than fighting for our thinking.  There is great freedom in being a bit out of control and finding safety in the knowledge that you can figure out anything in partnership with colleagues you trust.  That’s a risk I’m willing to take.  What about you?   

Managance Consulting & Coaching is on a mission to ignite passion and energize opportunity in nonprofit work places.  Denice Hinden, PhD, PCC, President and her team inspire leaders and teams to their next level of leadership and develop more trusting “we-centered” organizational cultures with transformational leadership development and engaging strategic thinking.  Denice is Certified in Conversational Intelligence®.  Judith E. Glaser is the founder and CEO of Benchmark Communications, Inc., and the Chairman of The Creating We Institute.   We are honored to partner with Judith to bring you our 2017-2018 Leveling Up Leadership Blog. 

Copyright © 2017 by Managance Consulting & Coaching and Judith E. Glaser