4 Easy Ways to Quiet Negative Emotions with Empathy

In this edition of my newsletter, I am exploring what happens when leaders lack empathy, how empathy sounds in various situations, and easy ways every leader can bring love into leading for a positive impact.

While I pride myself on being empathetic, I sometimes miss the mark.

When a colleague emailed that something terrible happened to a family member my mind went right to a health crisis. Later, when we talked, I expressed relief that it was not the health crisis I imagined, without acknowledging that my colleague's situation was still terrible for them. While I felt better, they felt worse from my lack of understanding of their needs.

Here’s how a team missed the mark.

One team member talked about the stress resulting from critical staff vacancies. After two other team members explained how they attempted to help, the team member who started the conversation abruptly said they had enough and ended the discussion. Then, another team member remarked, “That was rude.”

Debriefing later, the stressed team member said they appreciated the help, but it was the help their colleagues wanted to provide, not the support they needed. They ended the discussion because the lack of care heightened their stress even more.

In both situations, the people offering help focused on their need to feel better. This is not empathy, and everyone felt misunderstood.

According to Emotional Intelligence expert Daniel Goleman, effective leaders demonstrate empathy through cognitive, emotional, and empathetic concern. Cognitive empathy is understanding perspectives without judgment, emotional empathy is feeling what others feel, and empathetic concern is the ability to sense and provide what someone needs.

When a team member says I am short-staffed and need extra time to finish an assignment, cognitive empathy sounds like, “You are carrying a heavy weight or underwater right now. What can I do to help?” It is not compassionate to say, “I did a, b, and c to help you already.” That would be meeting your need for appreciation, not the other person's need for more time.

When someone hears, “It sounds like you are carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders,” and you see them relax or breathe a sigh, they are experiencing the positive impact of cognitive empathy.

When someone says something terrible happened to me, emotional empathy sounds like, “In this tough time, would you like to talk about it?”

It is not empathetic to say, at least this or that did not happen (as I did). That is focusing on your pain and not the other person's. Rather than comparing or minimizing someone's suffering, we can offer a compassionate ear. Acknowledging another person’s pain without regard to our experience helps create a safe space that may positively impact their healing.

When someone says, “I felt heard,” they are experiencing the positive impact of emotional empathy.

When someone says they are struggling, empathetic concern sounds like “Tell me more about that.” It is not empathetic to say you know a way to resolve or improve the situation. That focuses on your need to fix things. They do not need advice. Instead, it is empathetic to offer a safe, nonjudgmental place to vent or think.

Instead of focusing on the ways we think we should help, genuinely ask, "How can I assist you?" This approach aligns with another’s needs from their perspective, not what we think we are doing that’s helpful.  

When someone receives the support they need right when they need it, and their whole energy and mood brightens, they feel the positive impact of empathetic concern.

Empathy fosters genuine connections and sparks uplifting feelings for everyone in negative and positive situations.

Before I share four easy ways for leaders to nurture their empathy core competency, bring to mind a loving relationship with someone you know very well – it could be a significant other, sibling, or child. Practicing empathy-building in a good relationship strengthens the mental muscles needed for empathy in more challenging circumstances.

EMPATHY IS LOVE:

1. Listen closely to their childhood innocence, smiling as you imagine them at age ten or younger, deserving only compassion and understanding.
   
   Maybe your person does not like their job and complains constantly while being afraid to do anything.
   
   Listening closely to the child inside, you are empathetic when you say, “You faced many scary things in your life. Tell me about one of those times.” After they share their story, ask if there is anything from that experience they might apply to their current situation.

2. Offer a word hug, letting them know their feelings and experiences matter just as they are without negative judgment.  
   
   Perhaps your person unexpectedly lost their job. They feel like a failure and humiliation.
   
   Offering a word hug, you are empathetic when you say, “Losing something you cared about is hard. It is natural to feel angry and takes time to grieve the loss. Do you want to talk about it?

3. Value their perspective, inviting them to talk openly, safely, and confidently about their experience without offering solutions.    
   
   Maybe your person was promoted and feels anxious about succeeding in their new role.
   
   Valuing their perspective, you are empathetic when you say, “In new roles, there is the change we can see and a lot under the surface that we can’t. What under the surface worries you? 

4. Encourage turning grace inward, experiencing their emotions without shame, and expressing to themself that they are worthy of hope and love.
   
   Maybe your person is struggling to find their professional purpose. They feel confused.
   
   Encouraging grace means turning goodwill toward yourself and permitting recovery from mistakes, poor choices, or hurtful behavior. It means it is okay to be imperfect. You are empathetic when you say, “It is okay not yet to have a clear direction. I want to learn about your winding road so far.”  

“We need to dispel the myth that empathy is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes.” Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences. – Brene Brown

SHARPEN PRESENT, ACTIVE LISTENING

And since a cornerstone of empathy is present, active listening, the following exercise sharpens that skill.

Work with a partner.

In Round 1, one person serves as the listener, and the other shares something meaningful with the listener for 90 seconds. After 90 seconds, the listener takes a few breaths, pausing for 10-15 seconds to collect their thoughts before responding empathetically.

In Round 2, switch roles and repeat the Round 1 listening and sharing conversation.

After both people play both roles, reflect together on the experience and what you learned.

For some of us, empathy consistently flows naturally. For others, it requires vigilance and practice to notice the cues where a little love first would make a significant difference.

Empathy is a gateway to well-being, better communication, improved relationships, and increased productivity. With a bit of LOVE in the room, much more becomes possible.

Do you have a story to share about leading with empathy? I’d love to hear it.❤️ #empathy #inclusiveleadership #supportiveconnections #empatheticworkplace #buildingtrust #mentalfitness #changemakers

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There is no doubt about it. Thriving as an adult is demanding.

At any one time, most adults have 10 to 15 roles or more depending on individual circumstances, personal choices, and cultural context. And every role has a unique set of requirements. An essential factor in human thriving is mental fitness - the capacity to respond to life and work challenges with a positive rather than a negative mindset.

This does not mean thriving adults do not experience negative emotions; far from it! They do! They succeed at navigating rocky terrain because they are robust observers of their energy, emotions, and moods, AND they have tools to process and recover from negative emotions and experiences, pivoting to calmness, empathy, curiosity, and other positive emotions that contribute to better performance, well-being, and healthy relationships.

Mental fitness is a key to thriving as an adult and a leader. At Managance Coaching, we offer two ways to “try on” the mental fitness approach to elevating leaders' confidence, creativity, and optimism in leading.

Please register here for our monthly 75-minute free Positive Intelligence (PQ) Saboteur Assessment Debrief Seminar. (Dec 13, 2023 & 2024 Seminar Dates) Senior level nonprofit sector leaders learn how to make friends with negative emotions to lead with more positive influence and impact. When you register, participants receive a link to complete the Saboteur Assessment before the debrief.  

Please register here for our 4-week free Raising The Bar Seminar. (2024 Seminar Dates: 1) Jan 9-30; 2) Feb 13-Mar 5; 3) Mar 19-Apr 9 or 4) Apr 23-May 21) Senior level nonprofit leaders learn how to lead inclusively and inspire remarkable results.