Instead of Having Confidence, Keep Building It

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Written By LAWRENCE HINDEN

I was about 12. It was nearly my turn to perform at the piano recital when I could not remember the first few notes of my piece. I told my piano teacher I forgot and asked if he would tell me. I have a memory of him saying no, that I would figure it out, and I would be fine. I sat down to play,  and I still could not remember. I tried a few times unsuccessfully to place my fingers on the right keys. I abandoned the first piece. I played the second one and took my seat feeling humiliated. At that moment, I lost my confidence to play the piano. I quit and never played again.

Fortunately, my parents helped me build my confidence in other areas. My mom's simple guidance was to try; she would always say you can stop doing what you do not like. That was reassuring enough to take a variety of planned and calculated risks, and with each one, I added another building block of confidence.

I learned to ski. I lived and traveled internationally. After college, with no job and a suitcase full of books, I moved to Miami to start my career. When Hurricane Andrew destroyed the building where I lived, I started again. It took ten years to earn my doctoral degree, but I never gave up. After 15 years in Florida, I moved to Baltimore for a new perspective and a new job. I established our consulting practice with an entrepreneur I hardly knew (and now have been married to for 18 years). When I discovered that consulting was insufficient to meet the needs of our clients, I went to coaching school to find better approaches. 

Yasmine Osborn, Manager for Diversity & Inclusion at the U.S. Tennis Association, shared that participating in multiple highly competitive sports was vital in building her self-confidence. To excel as an athlete, she says, "you must learn to overcome the fear of failure, push through the pain, and find the motivation to keep going. The ultimate victory is the realization that your greatest competition is yourself and discovering your ability to set seemingly impossible goals and achieve them." If participating in competitive sports is not an option, Yasmine suggests picking anything challenging and committing to improving step by step, day by day. Self-confidence, she says, "lives in the belief that you are capable of much more than you ever expected."

For some nonprofit organization leaders, the COVID-19 pandemic is testing their confidence in unexpected ways. Sherry Houston, Executive Director of Ronald McDonald House North Florida, says the biggest challenge is genuinely not knowing if the choices you make will be the right ones. Before the pandemic, she says, I would tell my team, nothing we do is life or death. Now, the things we do directly affect the lives of our families, our team, and our community, and that can undermine anyone's self-confidence. One of Sherry's suggestions for confidence-building is celebrating success. When a family left the Ronald McDonald House with their 14-year-old daughter after receiving a heart during the pandemic, Sherry's team reinforced their confidence by enjoying their value in being that family's safety net. 

“Every person that you meet knows something you don’t; learn from them.”  

― H. Jackson Brown, Jr., American Author

Recently I guided a coaching session with an association Board of Directors and CEO. Following the meeting, the CEO shared her frustration, and I was honest about my concerns, suggesting that after two attempts, I thought we should explore another approach. Together we pivoted, looking at the situation from a different angle. The next day the CEO let me know the shift opened new opportunities that she felt confident about and already acted on with positive results.

This experience reminds me of two sources that help build my confidence as a leader and a coach. One source is my belief that when we build trust by working together with colleagues through a struggle, we will always find a good option. The second source is my conviction that when we stay curious and continuously seek out other's perspectives and ideas, we find new opportunities. It enables us to keep in touch with people we value and allows us to tap into more wisdom than we have on ourselves. The outcome is one hundred percent of the time better. 

Here are several more proven practices that help build confidence.

  • Are you trying something completely new? Break it down into the smallest steps you can take, one after another. And take those steps when you are well-rested. They will seem more manageable, and you will make quicker progress.

  • Are you overcoming the fear or uncertainty of something? Start with a short amount of time each day with the thing you fear. When you increase your proof to yourself that you can face it without negative consequences, you begin to replace the fear with courage, and your confidence grows.

  • Do you need the trust and buy-in of others to go in a new direction or make a change? Begin with conversations where you discover the concerns and interests of the people who will feel the impact. Use what you learn to shape the steps you decide to take, instead of forming and taking those steps on your own.

  • Do you need reassurance that you are making the right choices? Lindsay Poss, Director of Meetings and Events at California Society of Association Executives, says, "find your squad." For Lindsay, it meant finding other meeting professionals early in her career to laugh with, to cry with, to share ideas with, to get ideas from, and to survive with, especially in these pandemic times. You can find your squad by joining your professional association, looking for like-minded colleagues on social media, and by volunteering.  Lindsay says, "I built my confidence by learning and growing in my field and by having opportunities to share ideas."

  • Do you need new skills to stay relevant? Always read something out of your lane and practice something new to "keep the fresh eyes of a child" present in your experience. Since you would be patient with a child learning something for the first time, be patient with yourself too.

As a nonprofit organization or an association leader, when you focus on building confidence, instead of having it, you will always find the confidence you need.

The following courageous nonprofit organization leaders contributed to this essay with my heartfelt thanks. Please visit their organization websites to learn more.

Photo Credit: sydney Rae on Unsplash

Managance Coaching is on a mission to ignite joy and energize opportunities at work. Denice Hinden (drhinden@managance.com) inspires leaders and teams to their next level, develops more trusting "we-centered" organizational cultures, and facilitates engaging strategic thinking.

Copyright © 2020 by Managance Coaching

LAWRENCE HINDEN
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